I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
