Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
