I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You have to summon your inner elephant
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A bitchslap is in order.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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