I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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