my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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