I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
