Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just had sex on a roof
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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