I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
