Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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