How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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