My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize