This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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