Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
