Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
