I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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