I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
