I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
