If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
