i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
