Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
