Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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