Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
