respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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