Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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