Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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