where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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