me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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