i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
