I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
