Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
