3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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