The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
