She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
