My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
