you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
