Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize