She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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