Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
why is half of my head shaved?
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