if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I checked into jail on foursquare
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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