Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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