im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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