you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
