I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
