You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Randomize
