Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
