I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
