I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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