guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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