ya dads aren't the best wingmen
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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