You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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