I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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