If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
