I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
