I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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