In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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