so that wasnt chicken after all
Please, let me fuck your mom
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
