there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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