Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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