I feel great
I just peed on a car
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
