I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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