i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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