I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
