You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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