***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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