I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize